The Black Informant

Juliette Ochieng recently posted a piece that basically asks the question “why is there more women in the church than men?” This is something that I have touched on sometime ago, but I think the issue calls for a revisit simply because this is something that thought about, but rarely talked about.

Having been an avid church-goer for many years (since the age of 7), I have always noticed that women have always outnumbered the men in just about all of the churches that I have attended. All of the men that I have encountered within the church usually fell into one of two categories: #1. They attended church simply because someone made them (being there, but not BEING THERE–if you know what I mean), and #2. They attended church because they wanted to attend (wanted the fellowship).I think that most of the men that attend church regularly fall under category #2.

Not to make things too complicated here, but this category can even be divided into two groups: those that value their God-given individuality,and those who likewise value their individuality, however it relies heavily on the pastor. In my experience it has always been the men in the first grouping that usually leave after about a year or so.

Men that value their God-given individuality

These are men that typically have a love for the Lord and people in general.while at the same time have no problem with speaking their mind when something doesn’t add up. For example, if a pastor appears to have over indulged himself with church finances while the laypeople still appear to live paycheck to paycheck, this type of man will have no problem with speaking up and calling the situation for what it is. It is usually at this point when other church members will inform this man that he is out of line for asking such questions (this is usually followed by “touch not God’s anointed”). This type of man may seem very abrasive, but if you take the time to listen to what he is saying, he may be onto something.

Another thing about this type of man is that he has no problem rolling up his sleeves to make a difference in his surroundings even if he doesn’t have the attention of the pastor or church leadership. I can’t tell you the many men that I have come across who came up with very neat ideas on helping people in their own sphere of influence only to have those ideas knocked down because the pastor (believing that he is some master overseer) thought it would be a mistake. Part of being a man is making mistakes and learning from them. Telling a grown man he is “not allowed” to implement his own ideas is like cutting off his right arm. In essence, you are robbing him of his manhood.

One terrible mistake that most pastors make is taking the assumptive role of “father” in the lives of these men. Although there may be some good intentions here, you simply cannot walk into a man’s life and assume a leadership role. Mind you, many of these men may have never had a positive male role model in their lives. A good leader never searches for followers–the followers will search him/her out. The “Reverend” license is not an automatic license of authority in the lives of all individuals.

Finally, this type of man is not always perfect, but over time with much love and understanding, this diamond in the rough can become a shining example of strong brotha in which you will rarely have to second guess.

Individuality that is based on the pastor

These type of men also tend to love the Lord and people in general, however the difference is they become somewhat hesitant when it comes to speaking their mind. This type of man will generally bypass the much older and seasoned people in the congregation when seeking advice to get the attention of the pastor. This type of man will oftentimes seek various positions within the church for the sole purpose of being just like the daddy of the house–the pastor (by the way, I have attended a church where the pastor was referred to as “daddy” during morning prayer).

This type of man will see very quickly the benefits of agreeing with the pastor on every point in public as he is rewarded with public acknowledgment from the pulpit (”if I only had 5 men like brother so-and-so…”). Pastors that do this know that they are creating yet another “yes” man for the ministry. This type of man will go as far on many occasions to dress like the pastor and talk like the pastor. There is nothing sadder than to see a bunch of grown men fight for the opportunity to run errands for the pastor (carrying his books, taking him to the airport, buying lunch, etc.). What is even worse is when you see grown MARRIED men WITH CHILDREN doing this. Instead of these pastors putting a halt to these brothas who are obviously attention-starved, in the many cases I have seen these brothas are encouraged to continue their unwavering service as though they are serving Jesus himself.

Back to my earlier point, the reason why this type of man is at times hesitant when speaking his mind is because he realizes that if he says something that appears to “disagree” with the pastor, his loyalty to the ministry (and in many cases to God) will be called into question. Believe it or not, this type of man in many cases is quite aware this “invisible line” and how it cripples his manhood, but because of the lack of confidence in themselves they choose to play it safe by not being the “dissenting” voice.

Across the board, what makes any group or team successful is the general consensus that differences of opinion is what makes the group as a whole strong. If you want to see an excellent example of men with differences of opinion working together, look at any sports team. In a team environment, players are allowed to argue and to vent out frustrations when it comes to game preparation–some of the raised issues are taken into consideration, some are not. However, they still see the value of working together as one unit. In a church environment, men are rarely given the opportunity to function in the same manner. As I mentioned earlier, if a man in a typical church environment shares a difference of opinion from the pastor, in most cases he is treated as a dissident–one who is not with the program. Good debate and discussion are two things that sharpen a man. It is in these venues a man formulates the reasons why he believes what he believes. Eliminate the power of difference of opinion and all you have is a church full of zombies who will give the pastor a good “Amen” on every point.

Finally, there are two things that I want to leave with you on this topic. First, all churches do not function in this manner. There are some ministries out there that do encourage their men to be themselves without making them feel like they have some serious problem if they tend to disagree with the pastor from time to time. Unfortunately, these ministries are are very rare. Second, I am not some expert on church issues, nor do I pretend to be; however, after spending at least 25 years in my life in the church system, I think a know at least a little bit of what I am talking about. I have been a part of very small churches to nationally-recognized ministries (both black and white oriented) and what I have presented here has been a very consistent trend that I have seen across the board.

There used to be a time when I would have agreed with the statement that “the best place for ladies to find a good man to marry is the church.” Today, I do not know if I totally agree with that statement anymore. This is not to say that there are no “good” men in the church, instead what I am suggesting here is that most of the men (the few that actually attend on a regular basis) you will find in the church today are actually trained to have more confidence in the pastor than in themselves as individuals. This is not what I would consider a good characteristic in any man.

It is great to see a man who knows how to sing, how to usher, teach Sunday school, etc.. But if a church wants to attract more men back into its fold, they must accept the fact that the power that any man can bring to the ministry goes far beyond these typical “positions”. Pastors need to stop feeling intimidated by men (or women) who do not agree with them on every point–for these people may be the very ones that save both the pastor and ministry from making bad decisions.