Do we really want to be treated as equals?
I wrote about this issue some time ago. First, here’s the story:
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Dave Alexander is somewhat less than patient when people ask whether his sons, Elias and Kieran, are brothers.
“I say: ‘Do they share the same DNA? Is that the question you’re asking me?’ ” he said from his home in Langley, B.C., near Vancouver. “Then they realize what a silly question it really is. Of course they are brothers. But, no, they do not share the same DNA.”
Alexander and his wife, Juanita, are white. Elias, 21/2, and 11-month-old Kieran, both adopted when they were babies, are black. Instead of the obvious questions about race, the query is a not-so-subtle attempt to acknowledge theirs is not a “typical” family.
But families like the Alexanders are more common than they once were. Many couples - often white - are adopting children from abroad. In fact, the Adoption Council of Canada (www.adoption.ca) reports just under 2,000 international adoptions last year, with more than half coming from China.
The queries faced by the Alexanders didn’t surprise Martha Maslen. As the executive director of the Ottawa-based adoption agency Children’s Bridge, she has heard worse.
“Complete strangers feel it’s perfectly reasonable to come up and make ridiculous comments and ask very stupid questions,” she said. “Some are well meaning and some are very racist. Some are just ignorant.”
Maslen said that often white parents, as members of the “majority race,” don’t know how to confront the racism directed at their children. But at some point, she added, white parents who adopt children of a different race will have to deal with their child coming home aching after being stung by racism (more…)
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Okay, let’s get down to it. Does our “desire” to be treated as equals stop at seeing our children being adopted by whites?
The way I see it, if a child is in need of a good home, that child should be allowed every opportunity to go into a good home regardless of the race of the parents.
Now of course, if you are dealing with an adoption of children of a different race, the parents should see to it that the child/children are regularly exposed to the heritage of their origin. Beyond that, these parents should expect the criticisms from all sides.
Now are there going to be cultural differences that may cause issues to arise between the adopted child and parents? You better believe it. However, instead of us holding these cases up as examples of why it is a bad idea for whites to adopt black kids, we must answer the basic question “What are WE doing to assist these parents during this phase of their relationship with their child?” If the parents are open to it, maybe we can become the big brother/big sister in the situation. All parents need outside help from time to time.
I can tell you right now that despite the fact that these kids are finding loving homes that are welcoming them as part of the family, many of us black folk still have a problem with whites adopting our kids. Now before we kick the “it takes a village to raise a child” mantra, why is it that we have a problem with a neighboring “village” coming in to help us with our kids in this fashion? This issue sheds some much needed light on yet another one of our “in-house” problems—we need help with our children.
According the the organization The Future of Children “African-American children comprise the largest proportion of children in care.” As embarrassing of a stat this may be, the simple fact is that there are far too many of our young black children being tossed into the lap of Uncle Sam (mind you, the same “uncle” many of us feel is racist towards us, but for some reason we are entrusting him with our kids) and not enough of us opening our homes to turn this negative trend around. Our village needs help.
I personally know of several black individuals that have taken black foster care kids under their wing. It was very hard work, but the love that they had for these kids far overshadowed the differences they had with these kids. I also know of several organizations that are addressing this issue as well. Yet despite the good Samaritans out there, there are so many more that are needed.
I think this is one the ultimate tests on weather or not we really want to be seen as equals when whites are adopting black children( yeah, yeah, I know it goes the other way around too, but today I am talking about US). If a child is getting the help that they need, then it should not matter to us the color of the help.
June 28th, 2005 at 7:17 am
Duane, I often wonder why so many black kids are in foster care. Is it really because they are in bad situations? Are they really being abused? Or is it easier to remove “our”kids?
June 28th, 2005 at 12:51 pm
“If a child is getting the help that they need, then it should not matter to us the color of the help.”
I agree with you 100% on the above statement. As far as it being ‘easier’ to remove our kids — I don’t think so. If it was, we wouldn’t continue to hear/read horrendous stories about children being found dead due to neglect (at the hands of a parent or a parents spouse/significant other). In most of the cases that I’ve heard/read about, the parent(s) had been investigated in the past by CPS, which means that some type of neglect or abuse had been reported at an earlier date. With depressing story after story, all within a few months timeframe, in regards to abused/neglected/murdered children at the hands of parents, I am in full support of children being taken from neglectful and/or abusivel homes on a much more frequent basis. Yes, they will end up in foster care but chances are they will have a better chance of surviving.
June 28th, 2005 at 4:40 pm
Blacks adopt, formally and informally, children of family and friends at higher rates than whites. This is a little known secret.
“Informal” adoptions include family and friends raising kids without court intervention or knowledge.
June 28th, 2005 at 5:59 pm
Ed,
Nobody is “dwelling on the negative” here (especially since I know plenty of black folks who do take care of their own, but I also know plenty of black folks who don’t–that is just fact–yes, whites are guilty as well, but sadly we are beating them in this category) I am just going by actual numbers that I have been able to back from several sources. Also, based on my own past experience and the experience of people I know in the system, these numbers are not that far from the truth. What you mention here sounds believeable, but how can you prove it? As I pointed out, there are a few religious organizations that are investing time with these kids, but the one thing that I kept hearing (especially with one of the now defunct organizatins I was with was “We need black men.” This was in Atlanta.
June 28th, 2005 at 6:12 pm
Duane, you got me wrong. I provided information that was surprising to me. That’s all. The information came from people involved in adoptions and foster care.
I was also involved in a program that was always looking for more Black men.
June 28th, 2005 at 10:06 pm
my bad
June 28th, 2005 at 10:52 pm
I’m adopted, I’m white (a mix of this -N- that as well), I was adopted by a white family.
I don’t love my parents because they are white, I love them because they are my parents.
I suspect the same would hold true for a black child adopted by a white family, or a white child adopted by a black family, etc…
I can see where some extra turmoil (that I as a white child being adopted by a white family would not have known) could arise for a time as the child grows a bit older, but if the parents act as a loving parent would then the turmoil would likely be short lived I think.
I suppose because of the fact that I am adopted, I always wanted to adopted as well (I never did, and I suspect now that I have five children I never will).
When having thought about adopting a child, skin color never once crossed my mind.
I could raise and love a child of any color with the very same love that I would a child that happened to share my skin color.
I think most people could.
I don’t even believe that it is ideal that a child of one color be raised by parents of the same color.
I believe first that it is ideal that a child be raised by the father and mother of their birth.
That is not always possible though.
Secondly I believe it is ideal that a child be raised by parents who will love and nuture them and assist them in growing into fine young men and women.
It seems to me, and maybe I miss something by being white and not really having an ethnic culture to identify with, that the goal should be to raise good persons. Not to specifically raise good black men and women, good white men and women, good American indian men and women, etc…
The race of the child, while surely not to be ignored, should be secondary to the character of the child that is being raised.
June 28th, 2005 at 10:56 pm
[…] brothers. But, no, they do not share the same DNA.” The whole of the entry can be read here.
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