The Black Informant

This is a question that model/talk show host/reality TV star Tyra Banks asked recently on a recent episode of her syndicated talk show “The Tyra Banks Show”.

She went on to talk about how in past relationships, it was the guy whom she was dating that was unfaithful. She also talked about how she would cry herself to sleep on many nights because it always left her wondering if a monogamous relationship was even possible or existed.

Question:How could a guy find himself wanting to cheat on such a beautiful woman as Tyra Banks?

Answer: A heart that is un-bridled leads to a person that lacks commitment.

The two things that are very telling about Tyra’s question are A. The unfortunate fact that she and others have to ask such a question, and B. The general forgetfulness by our generation that at one time in American history, monogamy was not only the acceptable norm, but it was celebrated.

In decades past we lived in a society that taught our young women to aspire to find that one special “Mr. Right”, get married, have children, and live happily ever after. Even in early childhood, girls were given dolls to reinforce that expectancy of a monogamous relationship within marriage: A “grown-up” doll (Barbie and others similar dolls of that type) who oftentimes had a significant other or husband, or a baby doll (reinforced motherhood). This was not so with boys. In all of my years playing with my GI Joe toys, I never once remember this male “doll” having a picture of a wife or kids included in his weapon-laden backpack. The only other male “doll” at that time was Ken, and quite frankly I never knew of any boys that played with him (or at least willing to admit it). To us boys, Ken was seen as too soft and domesticated (and besides, what boy would want to play with a male doll where the highlight of his (Ken’s) existence was riding as a passenger in Barbie’s pink Corvette?). As you can see, the message to young men that marriage is boring and uneventful is something that is communicated at a very young age.

While young girls were taught the importance of taking care of their man and the importance of giving him undying support, the same lesson was not taught fully to young men (at least on the general level). Boys with an active and healthy relationship with their father in most cases are given the abbreviated talk on marriage: Work hard and stay out of trouble. Although these are two important points, many of our forefathers who were committed and faithful have failed to grant us access to the much needed and desired technical information on how to stay faithful to one woman to the future generation of men. By nature, men want to know how things work. God has such a sense of humor because he has given us his greatest and most complicated piece of work: The woman. Unlike the latest and greatest technical gadget, this piece of work takes a lifetime to understand (at least ). Not enough men today are willing to make such an investment. Sadly today, a growing number of women are also not willing to make the investment as well. Yes, the responsibility of commitment falls on both man and woman.

It’s simply not enough to prepare a man for marriage by instructing him to be a protector. Men also need to know how to handle themselves in vulnerable situations. Questions like “If I’m married and I encounter another woman that is more beautiful than my wife and she is a better listener, what are some practical steps for me to avoid making a decision that I may regret for the rest of my life?”, or “My wife says she want me to love her tonight, but without sex. Is that possible?” have virtually gone unanswered while generations of men are left to their own vices to come up with their own solutions which oftentimes ends up with disastrous results.

Although I had parents that remained married until my father’s death a few years ago, I still needed the influence and input of other men who had not only remained committed to their wives for years, but were able to practically tell me how I could do the same. The wonderful thing about the married male friends I have been fortunate to have in my life was that although they helped me to identify the “dots”, they allowed me the room to connect the dots on my own. In other words, the steps a man need to take to remain committed to his woman can vary.

As I have mentioned on this site many times, although marriage is not the “cure all” solution to a long and happy relationship, it does set visible boundaries. In a live-in relationship, beyond a simple expressed acknowledgment that the two of you care for each other, there is really nothing binding the two of you together. If something goes wrong, you can just pack up and leave. In most cases there are very little to no financial obligations to worry about. You are two separate individuals. In marriage, you have made a commitment with each other before family, friends, and most importantly, God that you would remain faithful to death do you part (I know some have changed that part of the vows, but that just shows just how far we have drifted). This means no matter what happens (I would add here anything outside of abuse), the two of you are now committed not to bail on each other and work it out. It is this absolute that scares many people away from marriage.

So to answer Tyra’s question, “Yes!” Monogamous relationships are possible and do exist. But I would also add that marriage is the only arena where your chances for a long-lasting relationship with the same person are greatly increased. Anything else and you are making a serious gamble.