Firstly, it’s not a mental flaw. If it is then we’re ALL crazy because we all CHOOSE our sexual orientation. My best friend from childhood happens to be gay, and hey, that’s his choice, but because MANY people are complete bone-heads about it, there’s things that I don’t like. No matter what anyone says, I’ve always defended him because he is a human being. I defend him because I care about him, I appreciate his asset as a singer, he may be my good friend, but he is first and foremost human. And I can’t understand why anyone would deny any form of legal documents signed by him. He isn’t mentally flawed, he’s human, we all are, and I think what people need to realize is that this arguement is about being recognized as human and as someone’s partner. That’s the reason for Domestic Partnerships, so that people CAN be designated as a partner without having to be married, nor changing the definition of marriage.

You wrote:

“As I have discussed on this site in the past, being gay is a sexual preference, so yes they should have the same rights as all Americans–except marriage.”

I would just like to point out that the homosexual and the hetrosexual have the very same rights when it comes to marriage.

Both have the right to marry, neither have the right to marry a person of the same sex.

It may sound silly to some, but it is fact. Both the hetro amd the homosexual have the very same rights when it comes to marriage.

When the homosexual requests the right to marry a person of the same sex they are requesting a special right.

To the over all topic, when one group of persons hitch their waggon (agenda) to the cause of another group it usually means they have no substance to their own cause.

I also took note that many comments equuated homophobia and religion.

As a Christian I believe homosexuality is a sin.

I also believe lying is a sin.

Stealing is a sin… etc.

Any sin will seperate a person from God. Homosexuality will get you a ticket to hell no faster than will stealing a candy-bar.

God asks the same of the candy-bar thief and the homosexual, come to Him.

When you come to Him you will begin to reconginze and struggle with your sin.

But don’t equate “sexual freedom” to the blood, sweat, and tears of black folks. Stand on your own cause, not on the backs of black folks.

The odd thing about the statement is that it seems to assume that one is either black or gay. Last time I checked, all gay people are members of some racial/cultural group besides, simply, “gay” (please correct me, Duane, if this does not hold true for the apparently many gay people/couples you know personally) and for many gay and bisexual people, including myself, that racial group is black. And I can say from experience that, on the whole, I am sorry to find the black community much more homophobic than many other racial groups. So what is wrong with gay advocacy groups reaching out to the black community? Bout time, I say. Perhaps there would not be such a problem with “DL” bruhs coming home to share with their sham wives the bugs they get from their permiscuous, anonymous sexual encounters with other DLers if they felt free to live lives that are true to their sexual orientations without being shunned by their [black] communities, or hating themselves because of the homophobic rhetoric that is interwoven into the very texture of those communities in which they were brought up. Perhaps, were there more acceptance and less dogmatism and hate and “our-way-is-the-only-way” and “gays-go-to-hell,” they might be able to live in healthy, committed, loving, and mutually beneficial relationships with people whom they truly desire, exemplifying perhaps the most beautiful “purpose” for human marriage.

So why bring children into your equation if it isn’t about reproduction?

Again, to me marriage isn’t just “about” reproduction. In fact, the simple act of reproducing or making a baby is only part of it. To me, it’s also about creating a stable, loving, supportive environment for a child to grow and develop.  No, my partner and I cannot reproduce together (though either of us could do so with a female partner, even with in vitro fertilization), but we can and do provide a stable, loving, secure environment for our son.

Why have children? I can understand the question, because we don’t have to have children, and won’t have them “accidentally” either. I’d just have to go back to what I’ve said before. We’re not all that different from everyone else. Some heterosexuals want to raise children, and some don’t. The same applies to gays & lesbians. Some of us have the same desire to have families as anyone else.  After all we come from families, just like everyone else.

Fortunately, we live in a time when it’s easier for us to become parents through adoption, surrogacy, or in vitro. My partner and I were fortunate to live in a progressive area where we can legally adopt, to find an agency that welcomed same-sex couples, and to be chosen by a birthmother who felt we would make the best parents for her baby. (We’ll adopt a second child via the same agency, later this year.) And we live in a community where families like ours are welcomed and supported.

First, Duane:

What exactly?

I guess what I was addressing in my initial comment about “stuff like what I read here that usually drives us away from our communities and families” is the hostility that seems  inevitable when it comes to discussion gays & lesbians in black communities. 

From day one, man did not need “modern science” to reproduce. A male’s body is not designed to carry a child–so don’t fool yourself.

I think you misunderstood me. When I said “As for reproduction, I can reproduce. No, not with my partner, but there’s nothing to stop me from being a biological father thanks to modern science,” I wasn’t talking about carrying a baby or giving birth myself. I don’t know if science has made that possible, and even if it has I have no desire to do that.

Notice I said “No, not with my partner.” I was referring to the reality that if I wanted to be a biological father, in vitro fertilization is always an option. In fact, I have a childhood friend who’s asked if I would be a donor should she choose to go that route. That’s what I was talking about. I didn’t think anyone would assume that  I wanted to be pregnant. Maybe it’s based on the assumption that being gay means I have some desire to be a woman, but I don’t. I’m a man and I don’t have any desire to be anything else.

As for the “husband”/”wife” issue, I can’t speak to the same-sex couples you know. What I can say is that among the ones I’ve known, none define themselves as “husband and wife” with the stereotypical gender roles applied. Domestically, the division of labor has less to do with gender than with individual abilities and interests, or who happens to have a free hand.

Around house, my partner and I pretty much do all the same things in terms of housework and taking care of our son. Our relationship is one of equals. Neither of us is the boss of the other, and we make our decisions together, coming to a compromise if we can’t agree. Fortunately, we have enough in common that 99.9% of the time we find something we can both agree on.

Maybe I caused some confusion by using the word “husband.” It’s not because I identify as a “wife.” That’s the term I generally use for him, as well as the term he uses for me, because it most clearly defines what we are to each other. “Partner” sounds too much like we’re in business together. “Spouse” sounds too clinical. “Friend” sounds too casual, like we just hang out together once in a while. So, we use “husband.” We have since we exchanged rings six years ago. But if that confuses people, I’ll try to use “partner” instead.

Suadia had this to say:

If you want to be protected under the laws marry a woman.

I’ve come across this before, and it always strikes me funny that the people who say it don’t see the irony or contradiction inherent in it. I could marry a woman, but it would probably be the most dishonest thing I could do, because to do so I’d have to lie to everyone involved. In other words, I’d have to commit what some would call a “sin.” Yet this comment always comes from people who inveigh against what they believe to be the “sin” of homosexuality, and who seem oblivious to the fact that what they’re recommending is another one.

Besides, I’d pity the woman who did marry me, because she’d be marrying a man who doesn’t love her, would never be in love with her, and has no interest in her physically or sexually.

Eugene asked:

Do feel that heterosexuals go around say oh Iam Heterosexual? Do you want us to wear t’s that say that?

So what up with ” can’t go home as who I am and that hurts me deeply”

Again, I’m not sure where this one is coming from in relation to what I’m saying. To the first question, I think heterosexuals take for granted the various ways in which they declare their orientation (who they are, not what they do) on a daily basis; in big and small ways. I addressed this in another comment on the “Born Gay” post.

Hardly a day goes by that heterosexuals aren’t in one way or another making their sexual orientations known, from innocent public displays of affection like holding hands, to going on public dates, to wedding announcements in the newspaper and wedding bands on their fingers, to family outings, to media portrayals of heterosexuality, etc. It’s nothing for a heterosexuals to mentions his/her spouse or significant other in casual conversation, to have a family photo on one’s desk at work, and even bring spouses and S.O.’s to office holiday parties. It’s pretty much everywhere but the bedroom. Very few keep their heterosexuality a secret. Most “make their sexuality known” on a daily basis, without encountering hostility or discrimination as a result. It’s something they can take for granted

 I don’t want anyone to “wear a t-shirt,” and I don’t want to wear one myself. I would simply like to be able to live my life as openly as anyone else, without encountering hostility or discrimination.

The quote was from an essay Joseph Beam wrote in “In the Life” and anthology of writings by black gay men, and addresses the hostility and rejection many black gay men encounter among their own people, and the pain it causes. As I’ve said before, it’s the reason so many of us have to leave our communities and families in order to live our lives.

2. Don’t hate anyone

3. People in my home must live by the laws of my home or else they are free to leave.

4. I have issue with all immorality. (children out of wedlock, sex before marriage, disobeying your husband and God’s law, etc…)The topic here is homosexuality.

5. The Qur’an tells me that it is wrong so I live by that.

6. I don’t sit in judgment of you. My beliefs are just that my beliefs. The purpose of this Web site is to discuss and dialogue.

And Lastly, I agree with Eugene

NO NO NO and more no’s

no

no

no

no

The one part I do understand I’ll reply to: The reason heterosexuals don’t need to go around saying they’re hetero is because this hetersexist society assumes everyone IS or SHOULD be heterosexual. Most marginalized groups of people make their causes overt, because they need to educate and let the majority know that “we’re not takin’ your oppressive ways without a fight”. What do you think the Black Power movement was all about?

Saudia- You need to remove the hate from your heart. If you are a Christian and believe in morality, then you should also believe the old saying “live and let live”. You don’t have to agree with homosexuality and you don’t have to understand it, all you need to do is mind your own business and you won’t have to worry about seeing two men kiss. I’m sure you have more valuable things to do with your time. What you should worry about with your 2 year old son is that he grow up to be a productive citizen and not get caught up in the negativity and path of destruction that so many young Black men today seem to fall victim to.

Oh and one last thing, have you ever heard of Anita Bryant? If not here’s my point: She was vehemently opposed to homosexuality and went across the country on her crusade to demonize homosexuals. Well guess what the spokeswoman for homophobia had to deal with? A GAY son! God has a way of teaching people lessons who don’t have unconditional love in their heart.

Brian- What are you talking about?? You and Eugene must hang out 2gether.

Just so you know, mental instability is a human trait, many heterosexuals suffer from it to, so what’s your point? Another thing, homosexuality exists in nature among animals, and as much as we want to think we’re not animals, we are, just higher level and with greater intelligence. Do you mean to tell me that you believe that humans taught two male monkeys how to engage in same sex behavior? I don’t think so!

For all you pro-creation zealots- have you ever thought that maybe God thought that there would be an overpopulation problem on the planet and that same sex couples who choose not to have children not only help with population control, but also adopt the children that have been abondoned by heterosexual creations? After all, s/he created sterility too!

Do feel that heterosexuals go around say oh Iam Heterosexual? Do you want us to wear t’s that say that?

So what up with ” can’t go home as who I am and that hurts me deeply”

I can’t go home as who I am and that hurts me deeply
~ Joseph Beam
I’ve written before of just what black gays and lesbians are up against in our own black communities, from beauty shops to baptist churches. I blogged about my own long jou…