How ’bout some cream with your coffee, ma’am?
RICHMOND, Virginia (AP) — For years, Toinetta Jones played the dating game by her mom’s strict rule.“Mom always told me, ‘Don’t you ever bring a white man home,”‘ recalled Jones, echoing an edict issued by many Southern, black mothers.
But at 37, the Alexandria divorcee has shifted to dating “anyone who asks me out,” regardless of race.
“I don’t sit around dreaming about the perfect black man I’m going to marry,” Jones said.
Black women around the country also are reconsidering deep-seated reservations toward interracial relationships, reservations rooted in America’s history of slavery and segregation.
They’re taking cues from their favorite stars — from actress Shar Jackson to tennis pro Venus Williams — as well as support blogs, how-to books and interracially themed novels telling them it’s OK to “date out.”
It comes as statistics suggest American black women are among the least likely to marry.
“I’m not saying that white men are the answer to all our problems,” Jones said. “I’m just saying that they offer a different solution.”
She reflects many black women frustrated as the field of marriageable black men narrows: They’re nearly seven times more likely to be incarcerated than white men and more than twice as likely to be unemployed.
Census data showed 117,000 black wife-white husband couples in 2006, up from 95,000 in 2000. (more…)
Ahh, dating/relationship issues. One of my favorite subjects. 
. This especially holds true for interracial relationships.
You know, I think that this whole issue reflects some of the binds we place on ourselves. For example:
1 - If you move out the inner-city, you are ‘leaving behind’ your people.
2 - If you vote anything outside of the Democratic party, your ‘Blackness’ is at stake.
3 - If you belong to a megachurch, you are out of touch with the real needs of the Black community.
4 - If you speak good English, you are ‘acting White’.
5 - Once you have reached a certain economic status, you must ‘give back’ (as defined by every other Negro)
6 - Keep your criticisms of Black people ‘in-house’
And I am sure that many of y’all can think of others.
When I think about this particular issue, I must say that I really feel for sistahs who feel that they must hold out for a ‘eligible” Black man in order to maintain balance in the (Black) force, so to speak. According to this article, ” Nearly three quarters of the 403,000 black-white couples in 2006 involved black husbands.” So I think that it is safe to say that many Black men do not feel the same obligation. So why should our Black women? Holding our women to a ’standard’ that numbers of Black men have not held I think is just ridiculous.
Sis. , if there is someone out there who will love you and take care of you, don’t be a dummy and pass that up! Otherwise you would have grown old without something you really wanted all because the criticisms of a few folks: a good husband.
Healthy marriages usually beget healthy marriages. If you ask me, I think much of this points right back to the marriage models we have or have not seen over the years within our own community. If Papa was a rollin’ stone, that is typically going to have an adverse affect on their children and how they view men. If mom was always the one who sacrificed and took care of everybody in the house, that too will play into the expectancies of men and women. To me, these are the issues that need to be addressed and not all of this crap about ‘betrayal of race’ if one chooses to date outside the camp.
I have already settled the question whether or not if I would be comfortable with either of my Black children bringing home someone outside of their race. For my daughter, as long as she is happy and convinced that the man she has chosen is going to love her and take care of her (with my approval, of course), it is her life. Same goes for my son. He comes from a long line of men who did not see their wives as ’status symbols’, so I do not anticipate that he will see the need to think differently.
So I guess I have broken two of those ‘cardinal rules’ in this post: A - some criticism of Black folks in an open forum and B - Not having a problem with Black folks dating outside of their race.
Oh darn. So sue me!
Interesting related links
Black female interracial marriage: E-Zine on black women and interracial marriage options
August 7th, 2007 at 6:22 am
More power to those who reject racial agendas.
August 7th, 2007 at 1:21 pm
Most women (color aside) are conditioned to be people pleasers. So many tend to yield to pressure and accept guilt when it comes to who we end up with.
BTW, this is the first time I heard a black man say they didn’t care if black women/their daughter dated non-black men.
August 7th, 2007 at 1:22 pm
what I meant to say was that it was the first blogging man who I have heard/read say it.
August 7th, 2007 at 1:53 pm
I feel you. Just today a radio jock here in Chicago (Tre the Choklit Jock on 92.3) was talking about the same thing. A few ignorant brothers called in to complain. I called in, but was on hold for an hour, so I sent him an e-mail regarding the issue and those two ignorant brothers, here is what I wrote:
Good morning Tre:
First let me say I enjoy your show every morning, by far you have the best morning show in Chicago. I was on hold for a while, but I am sure you had a great deal of calls on the topic, so I thought I’d write you to share my thoughts.
I listened to the sisters and brothers that had called in and found what they had to say interesting, especially the sisters, as they had some very good assessments of the situation with Black Men and why that some sisters have decided to pursue men of other ethnic groups, particularly “White Men”.
Well, I believe that people should be with whomever it is that treats them with respect, and as for women, they should be with a man (regardless of color) that respects them, provides for them, and has good character. This brings me to what I wanted to comment on specifically: The “brothers” who called in.
I think there are good Black Men out there, and sisters don’t need to use the bad ones as a reason or excuse to date White Men if they so choose; but, if there were ever the type of brothers that could make a sister do that, it would be that brother Chad and “anonymous” that called in.
These guys represent the problem that Black People not just Black Men have, that being blaming everyone and everything besides THEMSELVES for their problems and BAD CHOICES.
I listened to them each while I was on hold and kept cringing at how many times they blamed everyone, Black Women, the “White Man” the Media, etc., etc. for the trifling state that many of brothers find themselves in. They kept quoting Elijah Muhammad about the “Media Being the Devil” they also should know that he said that Black People need to do for self.
If a brother goes to jail longer than a White man for committing the same crime, for example having a bag of weed, sure that’s not fair. BUT, the reality of race in this country is what it is, so perhaps the brother might make the CHOICE to NOT have the bag of weed in the first place.
Chad talked about education, well the fact is that Black Men and specifically those in “leadership” tend to fall back on the outdated civil rights paradigm to deal with the current problems we face as individuals and as a community. Racism / Colorism will be around for a long time, the scientific fiction of “race” has created a social reality of “racism” that seems to continue to endure, that is something that we have little power over to change.
What we can change is what we have direct control over. For example, in Chicago we have a significant Africa American portion of the population (36.77%). African American leaders in Chicago often package up the Black vote for Democrats, and the African American community receives very little if anything in return. An example of this is the school system and the disparity between schools in low income African American neighborhoods and that of the affluent White areas.
While “racism” may be part of the predicate on how this became to be the actuality, this actuality could easily be changed if the majority DEMANDED accountability from democrats like Mayor Daley and Arne Duncan regarding their school system. But instead what do we see? Brothers getting together to write a letter to the President of the United States to “pardon” Ron Isley.
Brothers need to get it together, simple as that. LEAD, take ownership of their CHOICES and strive to do BETTER. Simple as that, stop making tired excuses, as long as Black Men keep doing so, I can’t blame the sisters for looking elsewhere.
Shalom
August 8th, 2007 at 6:38 am
Hostess says:
“Most women (color aside) are conditioned to be people pleasers. So many tend to yield to pressure and accept guilt when it comes to who we end up with.”
I disagree, the word “conditioned” I believe is incorrect. And “conditioned” by whom?
If a woman or a man for that matter is a “people pleaser” then that goes back much deeper. We’re talking low self esteem, little self worth and a host of reasons, not so good reasons I may add. If someone is making decisions based on pressure from others and guilt, then they are headed for disaster. Number one, we are responsible for the choices that we make. We also have to live with those choices, good or bad. So if we “end up with” someone no matter what color they are, and it does not work out, remember we made the choice.
As women we are not suppose to be “people pleasers” God made us strong, lovely individuals. And I believe that if a woman CHOOSES to date or marry a person of another race/color, that decision should be based on as Martin Luther King said “…the content of their character not the color of their skin.”